I can take pretty much any negative thing anyone has to say about it.  It has taken me years to develop this mentality but once you come to the realization that people are constantly negative are really just displaying their own self hatred, tend to feel sorry for them.  However this mentality only works if the subject is a human being.  If harsh critic in question is a video game, that is a horse of different color.

Enter Nintendo Wii Fit.  I know I am getting on this bandwagon late, but I just got the wife this game for Christmas and since I am currently jobless I figured I would give it a whirl.  So I boot the game up and the first thing I notice is an odd electronic pixi voice admitting from both the TV and my Wiimote.  This startled me until I realized that it was actually the voice of the fit board I was standing on.  Ok fine, a disturbing electronic pixi is going to guide me through my dreams of fitness.  Moving on the pixi voice commands me to step off the fit board so it calibrate it.  After this is finished, the board then encourages me to step back on, I do so and the pixi board voice actually makes a OOOGUH sound like “Hey fat ass, take it easy on me.  I’m only a piece of plastic”.  This was a discouraging sign of things to come.

Then the board gives me its spiel about how we are going to work together to achieve our fitness dreams etc.  In order to achieve these lofty goals, they need to weigh me and check my BMI.  I knew this was going to be a pixi induced kick in the nuts but who cares.  I am not afraid of the reality that I, like many Americans need to lose a chin or two.  So the pixi voice tells me to hold still and I think I do so until it keeps insisting I made an error by moving.  It then gives me instructions on how to stand still.  Awesome, now the game is an annoying nag that thinks I am a fat moron.  We are off on the right foot I would say.

When I vigorously follow the games instructions and stand perfectly still for the alloted time, the game calculates the hurtful results.  Flash to a picture of my mii.  His name is steve and he is bald with dark brown hair and a mustache.  He is awesome.  Steve is teleported to a scale that shows you your BMI.  There are 4 categories to this scale (slim, normal, over weight and obese).  As I watch in horror the scale rises dramatically sailing past normal and slowing down in the over weight area slowly inching towards the shameful obese section.  I comes to a sudden stop at the line between over weight and obese.  This is where my relationship with the game and my existence in general takes a dramatic turn.

The game makes a noise like I just was killed by a ghost in packman or fell into the tar pits in pitfall while simultaneously ballooning poor Steve from a normal size to a legit fat ass.  The cherry on this electronic sunday was of course the board voice saying “You’re Obese” in an exceedingly disappointed way.  Like I just ran over the neighbors dog in front of his kids while laughing kind of way.  AKA you are a fat asshole.  It was a watershed moment.  On one hand, it at once made me laugh to think that someone actually designed the game this way.   On the other hand it also made me determined to play the games just to say fuck you to the judgemental board I was standing on. 

So maybe that’s what these guys wanted, to piss you off into getting in shape just to say fuck you to a piece of plastic.  That is kind of genius if you think about it.  Anyway I started off playing these games last week.  I will give updates as the war between myself and the piece of plastic rages on.  So far the score is Plastic 1 Steve 0,

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