So I log into Wii Fit today and the first thing off of my fit boards electronic lips is: “I haven’t seen Buster in a while…”. I know the board realizes that Buster is in fact a dog because I put “Buster” in as a dog. Dogs can’t play Wii Fit, so what is it asking? Should I stand my dog on the board to make it feel better? While I try to figure out my next move, the board asks “How has Lori looked?”. It is now asking me to judge my wife’s appearance for it’s own amusement.
I think of the board as eagerly anticipating my answer, wondering if I will actually say my wife looks “heavier”. You see after the board asked about my wife’s appearence gave me four options to respond with. They were: Slimmer, Heavier, More Toned and The Same. I try to envision the social situation in which this kind of question would be appropriate. The only thing I can think of is maybe Paul Rudd’s best friend in a bromance movie would ask that, because he is edgy and out there. Other than that, no one ever asks those kinds of questions. So I guess my relationship with Wii Fit Plus is at a level of personal honesty that I don’t even have with my closest friends. Which is creepy and sad at the same time. Kind of how I would describe Nick Nolte’s current state.
I answer that my wife looks “More Toned” because I think that Wii Fit Plus would rat me out if I answered “Heavier”. Not that my wife looks heavier, it would just have been interesting to see how the board would respond. Anyway the board then takes credit for my wife’s “more toned” appearance by saying “Her hard work is really paying off”, it should have just added “Lori looks toned, what the f is your problem fatty”. On that note I begin my workout.
Right off the bat the game switches my normal female trainer back to my original male trainer that I call Greg for some reason. I didn’t like Greg’s attitude and thought he was hitting on me but I was just probably reading into some things there. Anyway “Greg” gets the ball rolling by telling me I have “great posture”. Hmmmmm. My trainer is switched back to the female Greg and we work though some various Yoga poses where I am accused of having “shaky balance” and being “too bald” to try the cobra position (I can’t remember what they said exactly but it was something like that).
So after this abuse I decide enough is enough. The previous day I unlocked the fitness challenge for the jackknife exercise so I decide to challenge “Greg” to a jackknife off. F him and the F-ing board he road in on. So I select the program and Greg comes on and says “So you ready to put your strength to the test?”, “F you Greg” is my response. It’s on like a prawn at dawn. Greg states “Let’s start off with ten” almost mockingly like, if you make it past ten and are still alive, we can continue. We get to ten and I come to a profound realization that I should have come to long before throwing down the guantlet with Greg. Greg isn’t actually human, he is a poorly rendered vague man-bot who doesn’t get tired. Son of a bitch! As I get to 15 Greg all of a sudden yells “COME ON”! Is he snapping, do I suddenly have Greg Videogameman on the ropes? 19, 20 then Greg lifts his video legs and shrieks “Yiiiii” and drops them. Really Greg? F-ing 20 jackknives is all you have? Greg bends over in defeat/disgust proclaiming “You’re pretty good, I can’t do anymore.”. Wow. Apparently Greg was programmed with Andrew McCarthy strength. Point me. Which brings the score even at 1 – 1.