I would enjoy meeting the people who created this game one day. Undoubtedly it is some 4 foot tall Japanese dude who weighs 90 pounds and eats only rice and squid eyes. I have been doing the Wii Fit Plus for 30 days now, only missing one or two days since I started and have lost some weight. Yay. I have also gained mussel and this is the where the Wii Fit BMI evalutation system tragicly fails. It calculates BMI as your weight compaired to your height. As we all know, mussel weighs more than fat. So if I gain mussel and lose fat, my BMI should go down. Instead it goes up with Wii Fit. However I have still lost weight and am now offically “Overweight” instead of “Obese”. This counts as a mild victory for me.
I created a “My Wii Fit Plus Routine” which consists of various exercises and yoga poses. I select enough routines to accumulate a half an hour of time and select OK to give it a whirl. Immediatly the evil pixi board comes on and says that I have “selected a lot of exercises”. Huh? Is it telling me that it is worried I can’t do Yoga and push ups for a half an hour? It then says “be careful” like if you drop dead fatty, my ass is covered. Before the first exercise, my male trainer who I call Greg comes on and says “I had a rough night last night”. What the fuck is going on? Does the game honestly think I believe that the pixilated workout ken doll nazi is real? He then tells me to “make sure I get enough sleep every night”. Is he now my mom? Is he making a judgement about me? Have we met outside of the TV?
The more you play the Wii Fit Plus game, the more it starts to try to build a rapport with you. God forbid someone comes over and wants to put a character in it. Each time I log in, it is forever asking me to weigh my damn dogs or demanding to know why people who don’t even live here don’t work out more. It turns into an aggressive nag after a while. “Haven’t seen this person in a while, why do they hate their own body? Let me know when they decide to give themselves to me and my video based workout cult like you have. MUHAHAHAHA.” This is what I am thinking about the game as I do the “Triangle” yoga pose.
My wife is working from home and witnessing all this and asks me to do another Jackknife Challenge to show the judgemental game who is boss. I accept and right off the bat, Greg is out for blood. “I am ready for you this time”, Greg says. Almost like saying he underestimated that my doughy body could actually do ten jackknives last time. The challenge begins and Greg is clearly on top of his game. Five jackknives into the contest he shrieks “I CAN DO THIS!” in a very effeminate and determined way. I lose it. I am laughing so hard I am on the verge of tears while doing jackknives in the middle of my living room. I imagine Greg knew this would happen and it is all part of his grand strategy to finally beat me. He is like the Rex Ryan of cyber jackknives duels. I regain my composure just in time to again hear Greg exlame that he can, in fact, do this. I am ready for this but the absurdity of the situation makes me laugh again. After 20 jackknifes Greg shouts “I have to do 10 more!”, totally tipping his hand. I now know that he only has 10 jackknives left so I pace myself. After each jackknife, Greg gives a big grunt and counts them off. “UGH ONE…UGH TWO…UGH THREE!” he shouts as he struggles to lift his pixilated stomach to his pretend legs. The combination of the insanity of the situation and Greg’s grunts again throw me off my game and I begin to lose it.
I BARELY get to 30 and then Greg puts his legs up and drops them signaling his defeat. “I can’t believe you beat me” he states bent over and exasperated. I can Greg, I can. After my workout is complete the pixi board comes on the screen and states “Wow Steve…You haven’t missed a day in two weeks! If you were a dog you’d be…a very patient golden retriever! What the fuck is this thing talking about? What does that even mean? Do I eat poop and pee outside? Do I want to chew a tennis ball and lick my own butt? What the hell is going on? The game my be cracking. How sweet it is! Final Score: Me 2 Wii Fit 1.