I was feeling pretty confident with my Wii Fit Progress. I had lost some weight and whooped the game’s ass in the Jackknives Challenge. The board was my bitch. Then I decided to take my first post Super Bowl body test. This was a tragic mistake. I somehow packed on four pounds in just under a week. This revelation greatly upset my Wii Fit Plus. I felt like I somehow failed it. That’s right, I felt guilty for upsetting a piece of plastic. What does that say about me?
Anyway the Wii Fit immediatly demanded answers. “What is the reason for this weight gain?” Insisted my evil pixie fit board. It then sent me to, what I call “The Screen of Shame”. This, apparently, is where all evil Wii Fit users are sent when they dared gain weight while working out with Wii Fit. On said screen they give you options as to why you packed on the pounds. Awesome, I am in Wii Fit Plus detention with an evil pixie principal. I tell them my sudden weight gain was most likely due to the ribs, chili and boneless buffalo wings I had during the Super Bowl. The game accepted this response and decided to let me know the reason I am fat is because I eat my food too fast. By the games logic, if you chew your food more slowly, you will feel full faster. Apparently it takes 20 minutes for your stomach to tell your brain to stop eating. This is of course, retarded.
I am then nagged into submission by the game into changing my workout routine yet again. I add more exercises and change things around, this somehow perplexes the game. “You seem to have a lot of exercises there…” YOU JUST TOLD ME TO CHANGE THEM! Who designed this game and how many of their spouses have killed themselves?
I finish my routine and my trainer “Greg” comes on and it is pretty clear right off the bat that he is having a bad day. He says of my workout skillz “You’re very shaky.It’s hard to hold the correct pose if your posture needs work”. So now he is giving me layered insults. According to Greg, my posture blows and I am “Shaky”. This isn’t a total surprise since he did tell me more than once that “My leg is shaking a little during my workout. Exactly what I want to hear while I’m trying to hold the fucking tree pose. Google that shit, it’s a pain in the balls!
A possible reason for my poor performance could have been the fact that I was doing several exercises that I had never tried before. One of said exercises is called “Single Arm Stand” which is just a fancy name for falling down and getting up with your arm in the air. So I fall down to the floor and stand up six times while holding my right hand up and six times for the left. So twelve total “Single Arm Stands” . This exercise may have killed one of my great-grandparents back when it was called “standing up”.
So after Greg is done destroying my hopes of one day obtaining his Ken Dollesque physique, the evil pixie jumps on the pile. “I noticed you added some new exercises to “My Routine”. How did it go?” This, of course, a totally rhetorical question because it knows I sucked. “Rather than diving right in by including them in My Routine. You might want to choose the exercises from the training menu and watch the demo closely.” This is the fitness motivation equivalent to having Andre The Giant sit on your head and not get off after the first pinch. F U you damn plastic piece of crap! That brings the score up to Me 3 Wii Fit 2. It’s a BAHN BURNAHHH!