Apparently whoever programmed this game decided to have some fun and give it Aquaphobia. You see the more you play Wii Fit Plus the more you get exposed to these little tidbits of information. I just passed hour number 24 working out with this thing and know it pretty well. I am fully aware of how sad that is.
I was working out with My Routine when I was again scolded for not having enough variety in my selected exercises. I didn’t want to see this message anymore so I gave the evil pixie board a shot at creating a workout for me. This delighted the board to no end. I should have known right then I was F-ed, as the kids say.
The workout the board created might as well been forged by Sauron in Mt Doom. That is nerd speak for it was a pain in the ass. The board basically just looked at what Yoga poses and Strength workouts I never did and loaded up my 45 minute routine with all of them. It also left out all of the exercises I do the most (aka the ones I actually like) all while smiling and rubbing its sides together gleefully chuckling. “Let’s see chubby do the Dancer Pose” I imagine the board saying to itself as I almost fall on my face attempting said pose.
You see the “Dancer” pose involves standing on one leg, grabbing your other leg and pulling it behind you and pointing your remaining arm forward. Yes it is as hard as it sounds and yes I was told that my leg was “a little shaky” by Greg as I was doing it. Again, Greg, I know you think you are helping but you are just being a condescending asshole. I know my F-ing leg is shaking. My entire body is shaking, I am standing on one leg while holding my other leg behind me and pointing forward. BACK THE F OFF!
I continue through the gambit of unfamiliar exercises (26 in all) until I reach number 25: The Single Arm Stand. DAMN YOU EVIL PIXIE BOARD! It KNOWS I hate to do this crap. Standing up and laying down 12 times while holding your arm straight up (aka the grandpa killer) is what satan asks his guests to do at cocktail parties. Of course the pixie would have me do this as my second to last exercise. I finish all 12 stands, exhausted and yet triumphant because I only have one more exercise until I am free of this pixie’s exercise based torture chamber.
The screen shows the next exercise and it is…THE SINGLE ARM STAND! What the hell?! I just did this shit and it is making do it all over again. I start laying into the game with a winded, obscenity laden tirade as I being to lay down and get up 12 MORE TIMES! How could this game know how to push my buttons?! Who made this thing the Chinese dude from Blade Runner? This game has officially gone Roy Batty on my ass! I barely finish and fall to the floor.
As I lay there I hear Greg say, “You’re very shaky! Exercise every day to improve your posture…”. F U Greg! Then the pixie board comes on and says that I should change my exercise routine to optimize my workout. I can’t imagine hating an inanimate object more. I think said object knows this and is delighted. Before the game signs off it says “Keep working hard and remember to wipe the sweat off me when you are done”. I suddenly feel dirty. It goes on to tell my that moisture can kill it and the board on the screen begins to shiver uncontrollably. I am delighted. I have found it’s weakness. Two can play at the torture game Wii Fit Plus. MUHAHAHAHAAHA! Final Score: Me 3 Wii Fit 3.