The Buddhists have a saying, “Our enemies are our greatest teachers”.  They believe that enemies or even frenemies teach us patience and constantly test our spiritual progress.  This is a great way to look at life and put a positive spin on having to deal with difficult people.  However the Buddhist never met my cat.  He is a total prick.

But Jamie, you say, he is just an innocent animal.  To that I give you the following sceniero.  After walking over my face to wake me up at 4 AM, my cat proceeded to meow loudly for a solid hour at the foot of my bed until I got up to feed him.  I groggily stumbled out of bed, put on some pants and went downstairs to feed his fat ass.  After throwing food into his dish, I decide to jump on the internet and check my email.  As I sit down in my computer chair I feel something under my butt.  “Did I leave the remote for the TV on my chair?” I ask myself, still half asleep.  I get up to discover a massive dried cat turd right in the middle of my chair.  Yup, he shit on my chair.

I am in shock.  Is this a horrible dream?  I just cleaned his litter box two days ago.  Why is he taking a dump on my chair?  I pet him, feed him, grow cat nip plants for him.  I spoil is lazy ass rotten and he says thanks by crapping on the chair I sit in the most.  It is officially like that.  I look up with wild angry eyes, scanning the dark room for the fiendish pooper and see him sitting 10 feet away.  He has already scarfed down his food and is now staring at me with delight.  He knows what he did, and now he is watching the panicked look on my face and loving every minute of it.

That's it...Sit down...BWAHAHAHAHAHA! You Fool! Oh before I forget, thanks for the free food! I guess you didn't know I worked for Satan. Next time do a background check! HAHA!

Our eyes lock and before I make my move he bolts up the stairs.  Jesus, I think to myself, what the hell did I do to this prick to deserve this.  I mean shitting on my chair when he has a perfectly clean litter box?!  What IS that?!  I begin to walk upstairs, remembering my Buddhist feelings on the subject of forgiveness etc when suddenly I feel something squishy under my foot.  I don’t even need to look down to know that I fucking just stepped in cat puke, did I mention it’s 5 AM?

So now I have sat in cat shit AND stepped in cat puke all before the sun comes up.  I sigh.  I figure Karma is a bitch and I have done some retarded things in my life and this is just an odd form of payback.  I go to the bathroom and turn on the water in the tub to wash my foot off.  It is then that I discover the third cat bodily function based assault on my nerves.  My pants have fucking cat puke all down the side.  Yup, he decided to not only shit on my chair but to also puke right next to it AND puke some more on my pants.

Years ago I would have kicked him across the room.  He wouldn’t have known why he was being kicked and I wouldn’t have cared.  That thought did run across my mind along with your standard Chinese Food joke but then those passed and I took a shower and threw my pants downstairs to be washed.  I have learned patience and kicking a cat will not solve my problem.  I signed up (kind of) to be a cat owner and this is the downside of that agreement.

So seeing that today is actually “Love Your Pet Day” I encourage you to do just that, even if he is a total asshole, because they truly are just animals.  My animal just happens to revel in watching me sit in his crap.  Can you honestly blame him?

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