I have decided to start watching a Lifetime movie every week and blogging my review of said movie here. This way I get to do something productive while my brain melts. I have had this idea for several weeks but didn’t build up the courage to actually watch one until last night. The movie in question is “Confessions of a Hollywood…” my DVR didn’t think it was important enough to finish the name of the “film”. Away we go!
The film begins and I find out it is called “True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet”. Awesome. It is the pretend Lindsay Lohan story starring moon-faced Lindsay Lohan clone Joanna “JoJo” Levesque. JoJo IS Morgan Carter a troubled teen actress who, like Rod from Hot Rod, likes to party. So likes to party so much in fact that she stands up through the moon roof of her limo and removes her bra while yelling. She doesn’t show her boobs mind you, she just takes off her bra. The lameness of this action cannot be charted. She falls back into the limo and takes some shots with her BFF. The limo door opens and she falls out of the limo setting off a media firestorm.
Fake Lindsay, like real Lindsay, is a fake blonde. After the sensational “falling out of the limo” incident, she goes back to brunette. This brings the predictable “She looks better as a brunette” comment from the wife. There is a secret war going on in our society. It is a war between blondes and brunettes. They both secretly think that mean prefer them for various reasons. Blondes think they are more fun, brunettes think they are prettier. This amuses me to no end because honestly who cares.
Anyway party animal not Lindsay is dealing with the fallout from falling out of her limo. Her manager scolds her and asks her why he looks like Frank Stallone. Only part of that sentence is true. Her mom puts her foot down and sends her to stay with her aunt in Ft. Wayne Indiana. They might as well of said she is staying in Borinington South Dakota. While in Borington, fake Lindsay must pretend to be “Claudia Miller”. Her only disguise is that her hair is now a different color. Commence fish out of water story that we have seen 4 billion times before.
Valerie Bertinelli wears a “Later” shirt and is fake Lindsay’s divorced plant watering aunt Trudy. Aunt Trudy has a clock made of licorice. According to fake Lindsay, this is an affront to humanity on a Dafurian scale. Oy. The sassy pair go to “the mall” to get “normal” cloths so fake Lindsay can assimilate into normal society. That’s right, 10 minutes in and there is already a shopping scene. I load my revolver as fake Lindsay panics because she only has 500 dollars to spend on cloths. Suddenly I want to kick my dog for no reason.
She doesn’t get recognized at the mall and buys cloths she considers to be distasteful. Ugh. Valerie B says something about her divorce bringing up a subplot I am bound to have little interest in later on. Fake Lindsay craps out in school. OMG! They throw in directorial flares like freeing the shot and having fake Lindsay quip “My film teacher has a fake British accent like Madonna after she became British”. That reference is 10 years old. Nailed it! At least they put in an effort.
Fake L goes to AA and her former friend beats out Sarah Michelle Geller for a part. This is apparently bad. I think of what my life was like before this movie started and sucked all the joy out of it while fake L is forced to take out the trash. “THIS IS SO UNFAIR!” fake L exclaims. I have a flash of the world ending and I shrug my shoulders. Maybe some things just aren’t worth saving. Lifetime is officially destroying my will to live.
Fake L’s love interest is introduced and he is a renascence man because he reads books and likes old motorcycles. Rock bottom has been achieved. Valerie Bertinelli insists on further discussing her subplot about divorce and medical school to the interest of no one. Fake L compares “Something About Mary” to Shakespeare in her film class. The previous sentence was not a horrible joke. Pretend L walks in on Valerie’s women’s divorce support group or as I like to call it, cricle 6 Dante’s 9 circles of hell. Nachos are involved at the women’s support group to which the wife says ” sounds like my kind of party”. I ponder the meaning of this statement as I fast forward through endless yogurt and skin care commercials.
Fake Lindsay is again at the mall and sees a display featuring her new DVD . Apparently the cover art differs from the concept of the film. This leads to a “discount breakdown” by fake L in the middle of the store and the wilting of my soul. Meanwhile the real Lindsay gets a film role that fake Lindsay really wanted. This reinforces the fact that this is not the Lindsay Lohan story. Real Lindsay is getting parts fake Lindsay really wanted! They are two totally different people! Fake L’s career is clearly on the decline and so is my attention span.
She goes to AA and agrees to attend a sleepover at the request of her love interest’s sister in an attempt to be “more normal”. They play truth or dare and talk about MAYBE getting to 3rd base with a boy. The 7th layer of hell has been reached. She shows us how deep she really is by talking about liking to look at the stars with love interest Eli. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t watching this movie, emptiness overtakes me.
So everything is going great with rehab until fake L’s agent marries her mom. This throws her off the wagon and she drinks a mixed drink and passes out. Valerie Bertinelli is allowed back into the movie just in time to discover a passed out fake Lindsay. Valerie asks what fake Lindsay cares about and fake Lindsay responds by barfing. She is speaking for the entire audience at this point.
Valerie applies to med school to bring a dramatic conclusion to her subplot and fake Lindsay is outed as an actual movie star to the dismay of her love interest. There were some dates involved with those two where they ate/drank fried cola and bonded but who cares, we allknow where this is going. In the end real Lindsay loses out on a role because she is too drunk and fake Lindsay gets the part! She then turns it down and decides to continue on in high school brining the believability rating of the film to minus 1 billion. Fin.
I give this film a D. My brain broke while watching it and me no like good. In fairness to the film, no Lifetime movie can get above a D unless Patty Duke is involved or someone from Saved by the Bell gets killed. One redeeming factor, it has been deleted from my DVR freeing up a whopping 17%! This would be the yin to the yang that is the existence of True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet.