Attention:

This weeks edition of of The CLMROTW involves Eric Roberts graficly boning Anne Heche.  That however was not the most disturbing thing about this movie.  We’ll get to that later. 

"I know you're orange but at least your wiener is slightly larger than Ellen's"

The title of this film is “Fatal Desire”.  The afore-mentioned E-Rob portrays Joe, a casino pit boss/cyber sex trolling fiend.  I know what you are thinking, how hot is that right?!  Well it gets better!  Ellen’s ex Anne Hache IS Tanya, the love interest!   We are locked and loaded! 

After she totally “cybers” with E-Rob, she agrees to come see him at his swank casino.  In Atlantic City.  She proceeds to bone him in what could only be described as a vomit inducing sex scene.  Ok fine.  Julia Roberts now orange older bro is totally nude, thrusting and making odd noises. Did I mention we are all of 5 minutes into the movie?

As I warm up the bath and sharpen my straight edge razor, I look up in time to see Anne Hache making a one person sex tape for E-Rob and he is watching it with a gross smile on his face.  Come on tub, I can’t take it anymore!

The movie is all over the place.  After they bone a bizzillion times, Anne convinces E-Robb that her hubby is abusive and that she is knocked up with E-Rob jr.  She then fakes getting raped on the diving board of the family pool (while wearing a fake halter top).  She shows E-Rob some fake pictures of the fake beating she took and tells him that she lost the baby she never had. This leads to the afore-mentioned worst scene of the film.

Upon hearing the tragic news, E-Rob loses his mind and starts pouting like a 5-year-old.  He blubbers, he shouts and then he flips over the surprisingly light wood table in his living room and storms out.  I am not doing the scene justice, I rewound it about 3 times on my DVR laughing harder after each viewing.

Anyway E-Rob goes and kills his cyber gf’s hubby.  Then she dumps him and he loses it again.  He drinks and sits at a stop light in his pickup truck.  Yeah it was kind of a let down compared to the table flip/baby shout.

So after E-Rob’s son ditches him (yeah he had a son but honestly who cares) he starts to act really weird and kills himself.  He tells the cops from beyond the grave that he killed Anne’s hubby and Anne gets busted.  It was a true story, the end. 

I’m not really sure how to feel about this film.  Yes it does have a high dose of Eric Roberts based awesomeness, but I am still haunted about the sex scenes.  More so than after seeing Tommy Wiseau’s ass in “The Room”.  That is really saying something. 

Overall I would have to give this one 1 and a half out of two 5 stars.  The creep factor did this one in from the beginning.  I do recommend it for the unintentional hilarity of the E-Rob freak out just skip the rest of the movie.  Unless you want your desire to ever have sex again taken from you.  They should start playing this film in jail to cut down on the rape.  Who said lifetime was totally useless?!

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