“People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.”
“People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.”
Um yeah but… There is nothing that can be said about this one other than ask “Was Nigel Tufnel the only guy coming up with ad’s in the 60’s and 70’s?” Smell the shoe! What’s wrong with being sexy?
Yeah, like a woman could ever open a ketchup bottle! How dumb do these guys on Madison avenue think we are?
This weeks edition of of The CLMROTW involves Eric Roberts graficly boning Anne Heche. That however was not the most disturbing thing about this movie. We’ll get to that later.
The title of this film is “Fatal Desire”. The afore-mentioned E-Rob portrays Joe, a casino pit boss/cyber sex trolling fiend. I know what you are thinking, how hot is that right?! Well it gets better! Ellen’s ex Anne Hache IS Tanya, the love interest! We are locked and loaded!
After she totally “cybers” with E-Rob, she agrees to come see him at his swank casino. In Atlantic City. She proceeds to bone him in what could only be described as a vomit inducing sex scene. Ok fine. Julia Roberts now orange older bro is totally nude, thrusting and making odd noises. Did I mention we are all of 5 minutes into the movie?
As I warm up the bath and sharpen my straight edge razor, I look up in time to see Anne Hache making a one person sex tape for E-Rob and he is watching it with a gross smile on his face. Come on tub, I can’t take it anymore!
The movie is all over the place. After they bone a bizzillion times, Anne convinces E-Robb that her hubby is abusive and that she is knocked up with E-Rob jr. She then fakes getting raped on the diving board of the family pool (while wearing a fake halter top). She shows E-Rob some fake pictures of the fake beating she took and tells him that she lost the baby she never had. This leads to the afore-mentioned worst scene of the film.
Upon hearing the tragic news, E-Rob loses his mind and starts pouting like a 5-year-old. He blubbers, he shouts and then he flips over the surprisingly light wood table in his living room and storms out. I am not doing the scene justice, I rewound it about 3 times on my DVR laughing harder after each viewing.
Anyway E-Rob goes and kills his cyber gf’s hubby. Then she dumps him and he loses it again. He drinks and sits at a stop light in his pickup truck. Yeah it was kind of a let down compared to the table flip/baby shout.
So after E-Rob’s son ditches him (yeah he had a son but honestly who cares) he starts to act really weird and kills himself. He tells the cops from beyond the grave that he killed Anne’s hubby and Anne gets busted. It was a true story, the end.
I’m not really sure how to feel about this film. Yes it does have a high dose of Eric Roberts based awesomeness, but I am still haunted about the sex scenes. More so than after seeing Tommy Wiseau’s ass in “The Room”. That is really saying something.
Overall I would have to give this one 1 and a half out of two 5 stars. The creep factor did this one in from the beginning. I do recommend it for the unintentional hilarity of the E-Rob freak out just skip the rest of the movie. Unless you want your desire to ever have sex again taken from you. They should start playing this film in jail to cut down on the rape. Who said lifetime was totally useless?!
I have decided to start watching a Lifetime movie every week and blogging my review of said movie here. This way I get to do something productive while my brain melts. I have had this idea for several weeks but didn’t build up the courage to actually watch one until last night. The movie in question is “Confessions of a Hollywood…” my DVR didn’t think it was important enough to finish the name of the “film”. Away we go!
The film begins and I find out it is called “True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet”. Awesome. It is the pretend Lindsay Lohan story starring moon-faced Lindsay Lohan clone Joanna “JoJo” Levesque. JoJo IS Morgan Carter a troubled teen actress who, like Rod from Hot Rod, likes to party. So likes to party so much in fact that she stands up through the moon roof of her limo and removes her bra while yelling. She doesn’t show her boobs mind you, she just takes off her bra. The lameness of this action cannot be charted. She falls back into the limo and takes some shots with her BFF. The limo door opens and she falls out of the limo setting off a media firestorm.
Fake Lindsay, like real Lindsay, is a fake blonde. After the sensational “falling out of the limo” incident, she goes back to brunette. This brings the predictable “She looks better as a brunette” comment from the wife. There is a secret war going on in our society. It is a war between blondes and brunettes. They both secretly think that mean prefer them for various reasons. Blondes think they are more fun, brunettes think they are prettier. This amuses me to no end because honestly who cares.
Anyway party animal not Lindsay is dealing with the fallout from falling out of her limo. Her manager scolds her and asks her why he looks like Frank Stallone. Only part of that sentence is true. Her mom puts her foot down and sends her to stay with her aunt in Ft. Wayne Indiana. They might as well of said she is staying in Borinington South Dakota. While in Borington, fake Lindsay must pretend to be “Claudia Miller”. Her only disguise is that her hair is now a different color. Commence fish out of water story that we have seen 4 billion times before.
Valerie Bertinelli wears a “Later” shirt and is fake Lindsay’s divorced plant watering aunt Trudy. Aunt Trudy has a clock made of licorice. According to fake Lindsay, this is an affront to humanity on a Dafurian scale. Oy. The sassy pair go to “the mall” to get “normal” cloths so fake Lindsay can assimilate into normal society. That’s right, 10 minutes in and there is already a shopping scene. I load my revolver as fake Lindsay panics because she only has 500 dollars to spend on cloths. Suddenly I want to kick my dog for no reason.
She doesn’t get recognized at the mall and buys cloths she considers to be distasteful. Ugh. Valerie B says something about her divorce bringing up a subplot I am bound to have little interest in later on. Fake Lindsay craps out in school. OMG! They throw in directorial flares like freeing the shot and having fake Lindsay quip “My film teacher has a fake British accent like Madonna after she became British”. That reference is 10 years old. Nailed it! At least they put in an effort.
Fake L goes to AA and her former friend beats out Sarah Michelle Geller for a part. This is apparently bad. I think of what my life was like before this movie started and sucked all the joy out of it while fake L is forced to take out the trash. “THIS IS SO UNFAIR!” fake L exclaims. I have a flash of the world ending and I shrug my shoulders. Maybe some things just aren’t worth saving. Lifetime is officially destroying my will to live.
Fake L’s love interest is introduced and he is a renascence man because he reads books and likes old motorcycles. Rock bottom has been achieved. Valerie Bertinelli insists on further discussing her subplot about divorce and medical school to the interest of no one. Fake L compares “Something About Mary” to Shakespeare in her film class. The previous sentence was not a horrible joke. Pretend L walks in on Valerie’s women’s divorce support group or as I like to call it, cricle 6 Dante’s 9 circles of hell. Nachos are involved at the women’s support group to which the wife says ” sounds like my kind of party”. I ponder the meaning of this statement as I fast forward through endless yogurt and skin care commercials.
Fake Lindsay is again at the mall and sees a display featuring her new DVD . Apparently the cover art differs from the concept of the film. This leads to a “discount breakdown” by fake L in the middle of the store and the wilting of my soul. Meanwhile the real Lindsay gets a film role that fake Lindsay really wanted. This reinforces the fact that this is not the Lindsay Lohan story. Real Lindsay is getting parts fake Lindsay really wanted! They are two totally different people! Fake L’s career is clearly on the decline and so is my attention span.
She goes to AA and agrees to attend a sleepover at the request of her love interest’s sister in an attempt to be “more normal”. They play truth or dare and talk about MAYBE getting to 3rd base with a boy. The 7th layer of hell has been reached. She shows us how deep she really is by talking about liking to look at the stars with love interest Eli. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t watching this movie, emptiness overtakes me.
So everything is going great with rehab until fake L’s agent marries her mom. This throws her off the wagon and she drinks a mixed drink and passes out. Valerie Bertinelli is allowed back into the movie just in time to discover a passed out fake Lindsay. Valerie asks what fake Lindsay cares about and fake Lindsay responds by barfing. She is speaking for the entire audience at this point.
Valerie applies to med school to bring a dramatic conclusion to her subplot and fake Lindsay is outed as an actual movie star to the dismay of her love interest. There were some dates involved with those two where they ate/drank fried cola and bonded but who cares, we allknow where this is going. In the end real Lindsay loses out on a role because she is too drunk and fake Lindsay gets the part! She then turns it down and decides to continue on in high school brining the believability rating of the film to minus 1 billion. Fin.
I give this film a D. My brain broke while watching it and me no like good. In fairness to the film, no Lifetime movie can get above a D unless Patty Duke is involved or someone from Saved by the Bell gets killed. One redeeming factor, it has been deleted from my DVR freeing up a whopping 17%! This would be the yin to the yang that is the existence of True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet.
The Buddhists have a saying, “Our enemies are our greatest teachers”. They believe that enemies or even frenemies teach us patience and constantly test our spiritual progress. This is a great way to look at life and put a positive spin on having to deal with difficult people. However the Buddhist never met my cat. He is a total prick.
But Jamie, you say, he is just an innocent animal. To that I give you the following sceniero. After walking over my face to wake me up at 4 AM, my cat proceeded to meow loudly for a solid hour at the foot of my bed until I got up to feed him. I groggily stumbled out of bed, put on some pants and went downstairs to feed his fat ass. After throwing food into his dish, I decide to jump on the internet and check my email. As I sit down in my computer chair I feel something under my butt. “Did I leave the remote for the TV on my chair?” I ask myself, still half asleep. I get up to discover a massive dried cat turd right in the middle of my chair. Yup, he shit on my chair.
I am in shock. Is this a horrible dream? I just cleaned his litter box two days ago. Why is he taking a dump on my chair? I pet him, feed him, grow cat nip plants for him. I spoil is lazy ass rotten and he says thanks by crapping on the chair I sit in the most. It is officially like that. I look up with wild angry eyes, scanning the dark room for the fiendish pooper and see him sitting 10 feet away. He has already scarfed down his food and is now staring at me with delight. He knows what he did, and now he is watching the panicked look on my face and loving every minute of it.
Our eyes lock and before I make my move he bolts up the stairs. Jesus, I think to myself, what the hell did I do to this prick to deserve this. I mean shitting on my chair when he has a perfectly clean litter box?! What IS that?! I begin to walk upstairs, remembering my Buddhist feelings on the subject of forgiveness etc when suddenly I feel something squishy under my foot. I don’t even need to look down to know that I fucking just stepped in cat puke, did I mention it’s 5 AM?
So now I have sat in cat shit AND stepped in cat puke all before the sun comes up. I sigh. I figure Karma is a bitch and I have done some retarded things in my life and this is just an odd form of payback. I go to the bathroom and turn on the water in the tub to wash my foot off. It is then that I discover the third cat bodily function based assault on my nerves. My pants have fucking cat puke all down the side. Yup, he decided to not only shit on my chair but to also puke right next to it AND puke some more on my pants.
Years ago I would have kicked him across the room. He wouldn’t have known why he was being kicked and I wouldn’t have cared. That thought did run across my mind along with your standard Chinese Food joke but then those passed and I took a shower and threw my pants downstairs to be washed. I have learned patience and kicking a cat will not solve my problem. I signed up (kind of) to be a cat owner and this is the downside of that agreement.
So seeing that today is actually “Love Your Pet Day” I encourage you to do just that, even if he is a total asshole, because they truly are just animals. My animal just happens to revel in watching me sit in his crap. Can you honestly blame him?